My Journey - Anorexia Recovery

As many of you may already know, I've struggled with an eating disorder. The phrase "anorexia nervosa" has such a stigma attached to it that it truly freaks me out to say aloud. Three years later, and I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I was so consumed with this mental disorder. It seems silly to think back to now, but I was overcome by a paralyzing fear of food and gaining weight during my Freshmen year of college.
My mother and lifelong friends can vouch for the fact that I was never an individual with low self-esteem or confidence. I played three high school sports (soccer, basketball, & tennis), and was a competitive athlete all of my life. Throughout middle school and high school I ate WHATEVER I wanted and whenever I was hungry. I didn't even comprehend what a "calorie" or "micronutrient" was, and could not have been more carefree with my diet. I was by no means ever overweight and I feel that my diet was truly sufficient for the active lifestyle I led. When out to eat with friends, a typical dinner for me was chicken fingers, potatoes/fries of any sort, and maybe broccoli. I was ALWAYS open to dessert and often licked clean the plates of my friends as well😆. I would snack several times throughout the day but never considered whether they were deemed "healthy", and would typically have a dessert after both lunch and dinner. Being as active as I was, I don't think the diet I maintained was ever maladaptive to my success in athletics. I honestly think I performed at my peak in high school at a slightly higher weight than my current.
With my background in mind, I now want to transition into where things began to transform. My mental changes began very slowly in my senior year of high school before rapidly progressing in college. Throughout my senior year, I started to focus on "whole grains", less processed foods, and more vegetables but not to the point where it was obsessive. I still ate my daily two bowls of cereal, peanut butter & banana toast, all types of dairy, etc. and never let myself go hungry. It was during my transition into college where things really took a turn for the worse. There's really no perfect way to describe the mental switch that occurs and there's certainly no justification behind it. I can certainly vouch for the fact that developing anorexia nervosa is not a choice and I will debate with anyone that voices otherwise. I began to develop rules and fears surrounding foods that I knew were irrational but felt completely out of my control. After eating a certain amount one morning, I would NOT permit myself to eat more than that the following morning... There were strict time limits set on when I could eat, despite whether or not my stomach felt like it was turning inside out from hunger pains... I became obsessed with ingredient labels and would not consume anything with more than 2 or 3 listed... If I didn't get the chance to workout during the day I would consume even less, reaching a strikingly low calorie count each day - especially after long days of class where time for workouts was limited. Raw vegetables or those cooked with no oil were the only foods I could safely consume with no residual guilt. What began as including more nutritious foods into my diet evolved into a full-blown eating disorder which reaped vicious effects on my health both physically and mentally. I lost 35 pounds in my freshmen year of college, (after never being overweight), and fortunately wanted to regain my health after FEELING how sickly I became. But the next steps were frightening. I had no clue how to recover on my own, but luckily family and friends sought out the proper resources to assist me.

Throughout my recovery, I frequently spoke with my mom and various doctors about what may have been the true cause of my spiral out of control into such a traumatizing mental obsession. A few specialists said that low self-confidence is not a necessary factor. In fact, extreme perfectionism may be more of a leading cause. As soon these words were uttered, my mother gasped in the realization that this was the true culprit. At age three, I couldn't walk into pre-school with my socks wrinkled on my ankles. I remember getting A's on tests in middle school but hearing that someone in the class did better drove me insane. I was far too critical of myself (something I still struggle with today), and strove for a perfect standard I never felt I achieved. I feel that this is was the root cause of my disorder, resulting in my entrapment into such an unhealthy obsessive mindset.
It is now approaching three years since my release from an outpatient treatment program. I gained almost 30 pounds of necessary weight and have completely transformed by mindset relating to food. I cannot say I'm back to the point where I had complete food freedom and still catch myself in moments where I am too obsessive about nutrition/exercise before snapping out of it. But the amount of progress I have made since I was a lonely and confused college freshmen is remarkable and something I will forever applaud myself for. I haven't made all the progress I plan to make (both physically and mentally), but I am content with my current situation. If you are struggling please know it is not permanent. There are resources and experts out there very willing to assist you in your journey back to health. You don't need to fight the battle alone. I am so grateful because I truly believe the professional assistance healed me more quickly and fully than I ever could have on my own. I hope my blog and my Instagram posts can provide even the slightest bits of motivation for you to regain your health. We have one freaking life to live... It's too short to be consumed in a mindset of fear and worry. My wish is that this post provided a brief background insight regarding my story and the methods in which I received help. Comments welcome, and more posts to come:)
XOXO - Coco